Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
