Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I want to fling myself into the sun
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
