my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
