Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
