We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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