Screwed.edu
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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