My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
