If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
