I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
