I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
