Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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