Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
