Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
