haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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