I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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