he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
