im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
