there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize