I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
this is an emotional support booty call
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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