The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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