Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
