You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
