Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
