YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
