Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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