Hey man sorry I got all grabby
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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