I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
