So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
