She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
