When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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