I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
