I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
