he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
