I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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