Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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