I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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