got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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