The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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