So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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