it hurts more in the daytime
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
