Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
