Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
