sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
