I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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