my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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