How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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