My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
