Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's never too late to be topless.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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