It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
