I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
