I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You smell like stripper and shame
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
