My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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