My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
