you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
