Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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