I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
