Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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