I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
