I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
