I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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