I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
