Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
