i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
