apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize