I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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