the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
