Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
