you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
