Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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