i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
