You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize