Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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